I’ve recently decided that what I really want to do with my time is write.  Most of my life has involved doing something in the present in the hopes of doing something different in the future.  Does that make sense?  For example, I went to college for 4 years so that I could work as a wildlife biologist, which I did for 10 years.  More recently, I cleaned houses for several years so that I could pay my bills and support my business and blogging until those things supported themselves. This last plan didn’t quite work out. However, it’s just what we do as humans, always working and planning for the days to come.  Sometimes things work out as you prepared for them to be, and other times we can find ourselves on a completely different path from the initial direction.  There is nothing wrong with this way of living, but I am ready to approach life in a different way.  I want to live fully in the present for the sake of the present!

Stand in the truth of my purpose and passion, which is to make a difference with my words, with my writing!

So just a little back story for you.  This year, I made the determination to be done with housecleaning by the end of the summer, even if things weren’t crystal clear by then.  The end of the summer came, and I stopped cleaning and went to Greece with my sister. We both worked hard and saved for a whole year to pay for this trip. I even took on a 3^rd part-time job.  However, things were definitely not crystal clear when we left.  In fact, I didn’t have any new work lined up, only my business which was just generating a part-time income.  When I went to Greece, however, I had faith that things would work out because it felt right in my body and soul to be done with housecleaning.  My spiritual practice helps me to trust the universe to provide what I really need, and one thing I learn more each year is to trust my feelings in situations.  It was a huge LEAP of faith on my part, but I think that our gut feeling or intuition is how divinity communicates with the divine within us.  I believe we are connected to something bigger, so I know I have back up when I need it.  From this empowered place, I manifested my first recruiting job almost out of thin air.  My sister has a very successful business that provides recruiting and human resources support.  Well, she got offered a recruiting contract out of the blue while we were in Greece.  Turned out it was the perfect entry level recruiting job for me!

She admitted to being blown away by my ability to manifest.

I really enjoyed that recruiting job.  I felt like I was helping a good company find good employees, and I think it helped me to further develop my strengths of organization, communication and kindness.  That’s a good thing.  Unfortunately, the contract ended rather abruptly and my position ended a couple weeks before Christmas.  Well, the very next day my car broke down.  The universe was definitely trying to tell me something!  Having a couple of weeks off before Christmas though was actually a huge blessing.  I had time to do all the little things that were adding up before the holidays.  One thing I had to add to the list was to look for a job.  I started looking at remote recruiting jobs, and quickly realized I wasn’t very excited about the possibilities.  What I did get excited about was a food writer job!  By the time I actually applied for the job, the job posting had expired.  Even though this didn’t turn into an opportunity, it made me realize how much I want to write, and if it’s about food, that’s a bonus!  In the meantime, though, I am a writer and have decided to also use this downtime to write a blog or two, or as Eddie Vedder would say, “Gonna rise up, turning mistakes into gold“.

That brings us to the present moment.  Here I am writing a blog at the beginning of a new year, and it seems very appropriate to also touch on a couple of other life changing events that occurred this past year.  One of the hardest things that I have ever lived through happened in 2016. My 19 year old son moved out.  Some people may wonder why this was so hard?  Some people are very happy and excited when their kids move out.  Some people look forward to this time.  I am not some, I am one.  One woman who lived with one boy for many, many years.  One woman who loves the boy more than any other human being. Finally, one woman who is going through menopause.  Does it make more sense now?

So, when my son moved out this year, my heart broke in a way it never has before.

It felt like a huge LOSS, loss of a phase of my life that has defined and nourished me.  Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for him, and it was definitely what he needed and wanted to do.  Unfortunately, this wisdom doesn’t negate the fact that sometimes my daily life now feels unbearably empty.  However, I am deeply grateful for one thing my son did for me before he moved out.  One day last summer, he comes up to me and informs me that I need a BOYFRIEND!  Now, I might have shared this with you before, but until last summer I was single for about 5 years.  You can read, Forgiveness, Just Keep Breathing to hear a little story about moving on after heartache.  During this period, I learned so much about myself and really focused on healing and becoming the best me.  I will never regret that time spent on the relationship with myself.  It helped me become a better friend, mother, sister, business owner, writer and general person.

When you really know yourself, what you can contribute to others is more clear.  Your boundaries and priorities are more transparent.  Most people really appreciate that honesty and definition.

When my son insisted on helping me find a boyfriend, I saw it as a chance to spend some rare time with him.  He is quite a pro at social media and really wanted to set up a Tinder account for me.  I was pretty skeptical because I had actually tried this App before and was turned off by the meat market vibe of it all.  Trusting him, we laid on my bed together for about a half hour, and he picked out pictures for me to post on Tinder. This was fun, and to be honest I had no expectations whatsoever, which is maybe why it worked out in the long run.  I was quite surprised when I quickly started getting messages from men.  I went on my first date about a week after getting on Tinder, and boy was it a bad one!  It was actually the worst date of my life, and I was kind of content with myself that I was right about online dating not working.  It was almost as if it gave me a good excuse to not put anymore effort into the scary and energy-draining activity of finding a mate.

I am so glad I went on another date, though, because the person I met has turned into my Heart of Gold!  I remember telling myself that I would really pay attention to how I felt in my body while I was with the person.  Well, we started talking over dinner, and when I looked at the clock a little while into the date, I could not believe that 3 hours had passed.  It was so easy to talk to him, and I felt safe enough to show the real me.  I felt really comfortable with him, and that is what opened the door to spending more time with him. A lot of the drama I have gone through in past romantic situations was due to the fact that I wasn’t being honest with myself, in regards to who I really was and what I really needed and wanted.  I have learned to take more responsibility for my own happiness in a relationship by deciding that the most important thing to me is to feel good and true with the other person.  So, six months into this, and I can honestly say that I LOVE myself and my boyfriend!  We have begun to do some “work” in the relationship and not every moment spent together is sugary sweet, but I know we have a strong foundation. How do I know this?  He loves the real me because I show it to him.  I trust him because he is worthy of it.  Also, it continues to feel good and true with him.  We always have the truth inside us, we just need to pay better attention.

To this New Year of choices and lessons, I say Bring It!

Brigitte McBride (mother, entrepreneur, writer and nature lover)