Last night, I started reading the book, Silence of the Heart by Paul Ferrini.  It begins by saying, “You cannot be in the heart unless you are in forgiveness of yourself and others.  You cannot be in the heart if your breathing is shallow or labored.” It was really good timing for me to read this.  It’s a personal goal of mine to be more heart-centered, and I was feeling scared and sad about something.  This reminded me that all I have to do right in this moment is just keep breathing.  Let the thoughts fade and and come back to my breath.  Sounds easy enough, but it actually takes a lot of practice for someone like me who likes to plan, strategize, create, imagine, worry or whatever you like to call it.  Thanks for the reminder Mr. Ferrini!

Ok, so breathing deeply is important so I focused on that for awhile, and I did immediately begin to feel better.  But what about that part about forgiveness? I have been thinking a lot about this lately, mainly to learn how to forgive myself. Frankly because I am tired of beating myself up so much about things.  Why am I so hard on myself, yet let others off the hook relatively easily?  What I am starting to conclude is that, for me anyway, forgiveness seems to be about two empowering practices, acceptance and letting go.  Maybe we can break it down into two parts, like breathing? Acceptance (Inhale) and Letting Go (Exhale).

My greatest lessons in forgiveness…

I think my greatest lessons in forgiveness have been after break-ups.  I remember my last break up, which felt very devastating.  I had so much shame for letting someone I loved so very much seemingly slide out of my life.  The pain of losing him was overwhelming, and I realized after awhile it was because I was blaming myself for all of it.  I had started forgiving him pretty early on, way before I even considered forgiving myself.  I think I was punishing myself.  Maybe a whole year later, I asked myself, “wasn’t I deserving of forgiveness too?” A relationship ended, that was all.  It’s not like I committed a murder or something really bad like that.  It wasn’t until I fully accepted that the relationship was simply over that I started to heal.

Here are some more wise words from Paul Ferrini:

“Whatever abuse you have experienced in your life must ultimately be forgiven.  When it is forgiven, you no longer hold onto the violation.  You release the shame.  First you forgive yourself.  Then you forgive your abuser.  Do not try to do it the other way around.  You cannot extend forgiveness to another until you have claimed it for yourself.”

When you really accept a person (yourself) or situation , only then can you make the best of it because you are freeing up all that energy that you were putting into changing it or resisting it.  Instantly, more power and energy is available for working with what you really have right in front of you (or inside yourself).  But if you go on thinking that things should be different and resisting reality, then you will never find peace of mind and heart.  Don’t you want that?  I know I do!  How do we fully accept things?  Maybe we can start by simply breathing in the present moment.  For me the next step usually involves having faith in a benevolent universe and believing that I am being protected, even if it doesn’t look like it or I might not fully understand how.  My daily spiritual practice helps me maintain this outlook.

Let it go, like a big exhale!

The second part of forgiveness, letting go has always been a huge challenge for me.  I am a very sentimental, loyal, deep-feeling person. When something I cherish leaves me whether thru a lost item, break-up, death or a friendship ending, the loss feels large.  It’s weird because I like the part of me that can attach and love fiercely, but sometimes I just want it to hurt less.  So, one thing that has helped me is reminding myself that the item or person has it’s own path or journey (duh!), and it’s not really about me.  It was about the time we had together, and now it’s about something else.  That simple, just let it go like a big exhale!

I believe that if we are able to really forgive ourselves and others, that our bodies and minds will be lighter and healthier.  Carrying around all of those negative thoughts and feelings has been proven to not be good for you.  Not forgiving can even possibly manifest into cancer.  Whether it’s forgiving yourself or someone else, be the bigger person and your own personal hero, accept it and let it go!

Brigitte McBride (mother, entrepreneur, writer and nature lover)